"Ian died"
"I know"
"What's up with you?"
"Nothing. I'm just spiritually immobile."
"Bullshit. You were his best friend!"
"Means what now? Doesn't change the fact he's dead."
"You could at least look more...affected"
"I am affected."
"I hate you."
"Me too."
"What's life?"
"Life is air."
"Where are you now?"
"In the hospital."
"Where?"
"In the hospital."
"Yeah, I heard you the first time. How come? I can't believe it!"
"Health problems."
"Figures. It's like you're all dying."
"He chose to die."
"They still think it was an accident."
"Bullshit. He wasn't that clumsy."
"If you say so. But if he killed himself, it's somehow even sadder."
"Not really. I like to believe it was a suicide. If it was an accident, it's just pitiful."
"Yeah. He wanted to do so many things and with an accident BANG! Everything faded, his chances all erased."
"It's stupid."
"Ema's crying and crying and crying. She won't stop."
"She won't solve anything with crying. Tell her that."
"You're too cruel."
"Tomorrow she'll be just fine. She'll pick herself up from the floor, she'll brush her teeth and her hair, she'll put make up on and start organizing things."
" Yeah. She was always strong, despite her looks."
"When do they think he died?"
"Last night, around ten. Are you sure you're alright? You two were really close after all."
" Yeah. I'm fine. I can't go back in time, punch him and tell him he'll die. Even if I could, I wouldn't."
"I'm jealous of you. I probably wouldn't be able to stay so calm."
"I'm not calm. Actually, I can't feel anything right now. My life will go as planned, as it did before. I'm not sad, I'm not hurting, I'm not even empty. I don't feel anything right now."
"Yeah well...I guess it has to pass some time before you can acknowledge the fact that he's dead. I have to go now. Got to see how we'll manage with all the ruckus in here."
"OK. When you'll set the date, call me. I think I'll be able to go to the funeral."
"No problem. It's OK even if you can't come. Just be sure to have the problem you're in the hospital for dealt with. Bye."
"Bye"
It's raining again. Exactly how it was on the day we've met, Ian. How is it up there, in the Kingdom of the God named Sky? I'm fine, like I've always been. Soon, I'll start crying and feel empty, but don't worry, I'm fine. Soon, you'll see me smiling and moving forward. You'll stay as a photo on my wall. I'll greet you everyday. You've died, Ian. And I'm alone.
We're free.
Hey, it's finally autumn, you know! I can't believe I'm writing you. I know I made up my mind way too late and you won't be able to read all this, but this way I believe I can give you my final answer.
It's raining. Million of small drops are simultaneously hitting the ground. And the sound..."marching cats" you said once. Do you remember? You were sitting at the window, looking outside at the rain and when you finally gazed at me, you said "it sounds like marching cats coming to get you. It's making my heart race in excitement". You took my hand and held me in your arms, explaining yourself with "I'm cold. Your room's too empty". My room has always been empty, big and cold. Rainy or snowy days were the worst. The moment you stepped in, you started making plans on filling it with things: photos, CDs, scattered clothes, your guitar, your voice...
We could almost see our breath in the air, but we stayed like that, holding each other and looking at the falling rain.As I drifted into a dream, you'd sing softly a tune I remember even now..."Memory". It was a song on your favorite soundtrack.
Do you remember the shirt with the blue fish? You gave me one like that. You had another one you were wearing, only the fish on it was red. "Because whenever we're smoking you're talking about a blue fish"...It's because a blue fish is freedom. That's my flag. When you heard me you said "Yeah, freedom is a pure feeling". I didn't know how to respond at that time, because even if I proudly showed such a flag, I hadn't tasted any freedom, yet.
Now, as you left me in empty world, where no rules, no love, no hate, feeling, no sensation has penetrated the walls yet, I can finally see, feel, taste, smell, embrace freedom, because this is the only thing I'm left with.
Freedom is pure loneliness.
Now, turn around and feel
The world is escaping out of its cocoon,
We're facing the future that lasts only a few seconds,
Even a minute more,
We pray for...
Counting moments and trembling at the thought
Of a reached limit,
'I only want to live'
We're all the same,
There's only a bit left,
And it took off into the future that lasts a minute more...
With the last tears, the last smile,
In the last moment,
You scream your heart out into the sky,
Like how the child inside your mind does,
"If only he were the me right now"
The present would last another minute...
Giving up on a damaged body,
Your existence flies far away
The attached strings are longer and longer,
The world that took off into the future
That didn't know it only faces another present,
You leave all that behind
Or maybe it stays all the same...
With the last tears, the last smile, the last sigh,
In the last second,
You scream your heart out into the world,
"If only I had a second more"
We're all the same
"One day we'll meet again"
The future that began to change into a present
Has no wings,
It fell apart...
....................................................
This is my goodbye to you,
Ochida Daisuke R.I.P.
I look out from the window,
What is this empty feeling?
Where is the door we always wanted to break down?
I could have reached out with my hand,
But I decided to wonder aimlessly in darkness,
Walking a never-ending road,
It was my purpose.
Closing my eyes,
I prefer not noticing my own sobs,
I know I could just reach out with my hand,
But even now, I can't take any risks.
Why aren't seasons closing and changing for you?
With your eyes shut, you reach a resting point.
While I wonder around in this life,
Searching for something I don't even know,
You accidentally pushed the switch
Closing all the world around yourself.
Knowing everything is limited,
Everything ended and is now too short,
Without desire, just a powerless will,
An answer with no question...
Moving my weight around,
Feeling the air eating me alive,
Everything has a bit of a sweet taste,
The tears and the smiles mix up...
My life in my body went numb,
I close my eyes slowly,
And breathe the truth deeply into my existence.
Shut behind closed doors,
The clock will start time again,
You'll grow powerful wings,
And fly somewhere far away...
Before the limit comes crashing down,
Everything becomes too short, too little,
You shut yourself behind closed eyelids,
Searching for a resting point.
The memory of tears and a smile,
The changing seasons and the time,
The shortness and the deepness of moments,
Beating against my door,
Breaking it down.
Everything is limited and it ended,
It's way too short,
You want me to accept that
Even time sometimes stops?
Now, I search for something I don't even know,
Leading a life I'm not satisfied with,
We're all the same and so different,
I still can't reach out...
Even for me, the limit is far away,
I face a door with closed eyes,
I can't say anything but a worthless "Thank you"
Leaving a small wish behind...
You spread your wings
Matured and flew away,
You closed your eyes
Reached out with your hand
And accepted the warmness of a resting point.
I wonder aimlessly on an empty road,
So I'm going to draw a "Thank you" and a "Goodbye" in the sand,
While moving forward searching for something
I don't even know.
...............................................
Thank you and rest in peace,
Ochida Daisuke
So what if I like it?
So what if I'm addicted to it?
So what if I love her?
I understand the risks.
I know you're gonna cry
And throw everything at me.
I know you're gonna hate me
And feel free to kill me.
The red of your dress and the smoke,
Pretentious sins and a pleasure for cancer,
You love our liberty,
I love your attached strings
To paradise and red.
I know you're gonna try to forget
All about the pleasure, the passion and the sin.
But please,
At the end of this,
Leave me alone with my sadness.
An innocent sip from my red cup
And a kiss on my sweet deadly cigarette
I can't do anything but to absorb your moves
And feel free to want your flesh and beyond.
The gray of your smell and the sweetness,
A passion for blue and the sky with wings,
You love my dreams and my right to kill,
I love you high and seductive
With red and cigarette...
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