"Ian died"
"I know"
"What's up with you?"
"Nothing. I'm just spiritually immobile."
"Bullshit. You were his best friend!"
"Means what now? Doesn't change the fact he's dead."
"You could at least look more...affected"
"I am affected."
"I hate you."
"Me too."
"What's life?"
"Life is air."
"Where are you now?"
"In the hospital."
"Where?"
"In the hospital."
"Yeah, I heard you the first time. How come? I can't believe it!"
"Health problems."
"Figures. It's like you're all dying."
"He chose to die."
"They still think it was an accident."
"Bullshit. He wasn't that clumsy."
"If you say so. But if he killed himself, it's somehow even sadder."
"Not really. I like to believe it was a suicide. If it was an accident, it's just pitiful."
"Yeah. He wanted to do so many things and with an accident BANG! Everything faded, his chances all erased."
"It's stupid."
"Ema's crying and crying and crying. She won't stop."
"She won't solve anything with crying. Tell her that."
"You're too cruel."
"Tomorrow she'll be just fine. She'll pick herself up from the floor, she'll brush her teeth and her hair, she'll put make up on and start organizing things."
" Yeah. She was always strong, despite her looks."
"When do they think he died?"
"Last night, around ten. Are you sure you're alright? You two were really close after all."
" Yeah. I'm fine. I can't go back in time, punch him and tell him he'll die. Even if I could, I wouldn't."
"I'm jealous of you. I probably wouldn't be able to stay so calm."
"I'm not calm. Actually, I can't feel anything right now. My life will go as planned, as it did before. I'm not sad, I'm not hurting, I'm not even empty. I don't feel anything right now."
"Yeah well...I guess it has to pass some time before you can acknowledge the fact that he's dead. I have to go now. Got to see how we'll manage with all the ruckus in here."
"OK. When you'll set the date, call me. I think I'll be able to go to the funeral."
"No problem. It's OK even if you can't come. Just be sure to have the problem you're in the hospital for dealt with. Bye."
"Bye"
It's raining again. Exactly how it was on the day we've met, Ian. How is it up there, in the Kingdom of the God named Sky? I'm fine, like I've always been. Soon, I'll start crying and feel empty, but don't worry, I'm fine. Soon, you'll see me smiling and moving forward. You'll stay as a photo on my wall. I'll greet you everyday. You've died, Ian. And I'm alone.
We're free.
Hey, it's finally autumn, you know! I can't believe I'm writing you. I know I made up my mind way too late and you won't be able to read all this, but this way I believe I can give you my final answer.
It's raining. Million of small drops are simultaneously hitting the ground. And the sound..."marching cats" you said once. Do you remember? You were sitting at the window, looking outside at the rain and when you finally gazed at me, you said "it sounds like marching cats coming to get you. It's making my heart race in excitement". You took my hand and held me in your arms, explaining yourself with "I'm cold. Your room's too empty". My room has always been empty, big and cold. Rainy or snowy days were the worst. The moment you stepped in, you started making plans on filling it with things: photos, CDs, scattered clothes, your guitar, your voice...
We could almost see our breath in the air, but we stayed like that, holding each other and looking at the falling rain.As I drifted into a dream, you'd sing softly a tune I remember even now..."Memory". It was a song on your favorite soundtrack.
Do you remember the shirt with the blue fish? You gave me one like that. You had another one you were wearing, only the fish on it was red. "Because whenever we're smoking you're talking about a blue fish"...It's because a blue fish is freedom. That's my flag. When you heard me you said "Yeah, freedom is a pure feeling". I didn't know how to respond at that time, because even if I proudly showed such a flag, I hadn't tasted any freedom, yet.
Now, as you left me in empty world, where no rules, no love, no hate, feeling, no sensation has penetrated the walls yet, I can finally see, feel, taste, smell, embrace freedom, because this is the only thing I'm left with.
Freedom is pure loneliness.
Postări
